Ramblings of a tard with GAD

So since the start of this whole silly episode in my life, I’ve had many tests run:

• Brain MRI - Negative, though apparently I’m retarded.

• Blood Test for inability to remove toxins - Positive for diesel and gas exhaust, and crack cocaine (damn)
• My vision, for the dizziness - Negative for vertigo, positive for blindness.
• All of my hearing and balance was checked (Did you know they can induce vertigo on you? Neither did I, but it sucks.) - Negative but sadly they told me I’ll never be a dancer.
• My thyroid - Negative, wtf is there funny to say about thyroid?
• Metal toxicity - Negative, the years of careless disposal of fluorescent bulbs went un-noticed.

The last two tests I have left are parasite and allergy. I’m currently working on the parasite test:

Specimen collection

Parasite testing is relatively straight forward, they check the specimen for every known type of parasite and various fungi and yeasts. The specimen however is poop, this was a problem. See I really don’t have a vast experience in handling my poop, except those couple times when I was lonely and depr…

So the idea is, you catch your terd on a piece of “collection” paper before it hits the water, this proved to be rather difficult rendering one and half of my “specimens” wasted. I was quite upset that I got my poop all dirty, but eventually I got the art of crap catching down to a science.

They include two bottles with a red liquid preservative in it. I thought the caps we’re nifty with their built in shovel scooper things, until it dawned on me what I had to do with them. So there I was hunched over the toilet, searching for the “soft spots” as directed by the manual. I felt like an archeologist, it was almost fun, except for the whole digging in my poo part.

I’ll be overnighting the package back to the lab in Arizona. If only the poor UPS driver knew what that small non-descript box held, he’d probably make my package the first stop on his route.

So, here I sit just a few weeks away from my one year anniversary. I will be celebrating one year since my anxiety disorder began. Let’s just say there won’t be any cake.

I remember it quite clearly; it was about a month after I started dating Trish, the world’s coolest girl and the third day on my new job. I had taken the job at SourceEcreative to work with Alec, one of my best friends. Alec would be my direct manager and I would technically be his assistant, and to top it all they were going to pay me too! The only real downside was that I was never really keen on working in an office environment. What could possibly go wrong?

Computers make poor punching bags.

I got in a bit of a fight at work that day, but not with a person, it was more of a personal computer….case. I somehow managed to slice my hand open on the side of it; I guess you really shouldn’t let retards handle computer parts. For any matter, I had cut myself open hundreds of times before doing various things, and this by far was no where near one of the worst. However something odd happened that day, I looked down at the cut and suddenly got a pressure in my chest, I then became light headed. I had only experienced these feelings twice before, at the eye doctor. See I have the unfortunate talent of passing out whenever my eyes are dilated or pressure tested, apparently it’s quite common.

So there I am sitting at my desk with the president of the company near-by urgently informing Alec that “I’m going to pass out”. This line would later become quite a funny joke for us me (Alec found it funny immediately, which allowed for another inside joke to be formed “It’s not funny.”) I eventually calmed down and everything was fine again, for a few days anyway.

Subway, eat….panic attacks?

So everything had been fine since my episode in the office, after all I had had a panic attack before, so I thought nothing serious of it and went on my way. I decided I wanted sandwich, mainly comprised of bread, with a slice or two of turkey breast, that I’m almost positive is just the left over turkey trimmings on the factory floor run over with a steam roller at the end of the night, so I headed over to subway. Standing in line something amazing crappy happened, I had another panic attack. I quickly retreated from the fine establishment and Alec kindly returned to the store to acquire our lunch. The rest of that afternoon and the following days I began having constant small panic attacks in rapid succession, usually at the office.

I will spill more of my life story in following posts; I just wanted to create an introduction for this blog. I will track my progress and things that I am doing on my road to recovery.